Coming Out to Family
Coming out to family members is usually a major milestone for LGBTQ+ people, but it's important to have a plan before you do it. Although these are guidelines, and you certainly don't have to follow them, they may be helpful in creating your own plan to safely come out to your family.
First, you should prepare yourself for different reactions. To get an estimate of how your relatives will react to you coming out, you should test the waters a bit by mentioning an LGBTQ+ character on a TV show, or if an LGBTQ+ civil rights issue comes up on the news, make a comment on it and open a discussion with your family. Although this isn't going to give you a 100% accurate answer on how your parents will react, it will help you see their stance. However, you should still keep in mind that even if your parents are okay with these things when the don't directly relate to you, it might be shocking or make them uncomfortable to know that their child is LGBTQ+. On the other hand, your parents might be homophobic, but try to change their viewpoints when they find out that you are LGBTQ+. You should keep your mind open rather than completely basing your ideas around this.
You may want to gather some research and resources about your identity, as your family might be able to understand it better and come up with questions that aren't completely clueless. Additionally, there are plenty of good resources out there for parents who have LGBTQ+ children, so having a few of those on hand to give them might be helpful when you come out. It might seem a bit weird to have to say something along the lines of, "Hi, Mom, I'm gay. Please read these pamphlets," but these kinds of materials are factual and may help your parents understand your identity better, particularly if you get flustered easily when discussing it.
You should also try to be understanding with your family members after you come out. Sometimes, they may react negatively, but then come to terms with your identity and be accepting later. You should give them time to get used to your identity. Keep in mind that it probably took you a while to get used to who you are, and they deserve that same time. It's likely that your identity is a total shock to them, so they'll need time. The best thing you can do is give it to them.
That being said, sometimes parents react very negatively, and you won't be able to give them time. Sometimes, parents will ignore their LGBTQ+ children, or even kick them out of the house. Of course, you shouldn't let the chance of this happening discourage you or think too negatively about what will happen, but you should have a backup plan just in case something like this happens. If your parents begin to ignore you or your identity, it can be difficult for you to deal with mentally, so talk to a friend, teacher, or guidance counselor about your issues at home. They may not be able to make it perfect, but it's nice to have someone you can talk to. If your parents kick you out, you'll need somewhere to live. Maybe a close friend has a spare bedroom that you can live in until you're in a better position, but make sure that you've discussed this with both them and their parents beforehand. Make sure the person you plan on living with in case of emergency knows that you're being serious. Sometimes people jokingly say that you could always come live with them without realizing that it's a real possibility, so you need to make sure that they will actually be able to accommodate another person living in their house.
You should also plan a time to come out. You shouldn't do it in an already stressful situation, as that practically sets it up to go poorly. Your parents probably don't want to have to try to respond to you being LGBTQ+ while they're trying to cook a massive Thanksgiving dinner, right before you leave for a vacation, or as soon as they come home from work, and you should be understanding of this. Pick a time where your family is relaxed and has a lot of time to discuss your identity.
It might also be helpful to practice what you're going to say when you come out. You should probably avoid doing this at home because your family could hear (which defeats the point of coming out), but if no one's home, then there's definitely nothing wrong with practicing what you're going to say in the bathroom mirror. While you practice, try to think of questions or comments your family might make, and think of how to respond to them. These questions really depend on what your family is like, so there's no set list dictating exactly what they'll say and ask.
After you've developed a plan, all you have to do is act on it. Of course, it isn't going to be that easy. You might get nervous, or back out of it right before coming out, but that's okay. You should come out when you're comfortable, and when you're ready. Don't force yourself to come out, especially to family, until it's your time.
First, you should prepare yourself for different reactions. To get an estimate of how your relatives will react to you coming out, you should test the waters a bit by mentioning an LGBTQ+ character on a TV show, or if an LGBTQ+ civil rights issue comes up on the news, make a comment on it and open a discussion with your family. Although this isn't going to give you a 100% accurate answer on how your parents will react, it will help you see their stance. However, you should still keep in mind that even if your parents are okay with these things when the don't directly relate to you, it might be shocking or make them uncomfortable to know that their child is LGBTQ+. On the other hand, your parents might be homophobic, but try to change their viewpoints when they find out that you are LGBTQ+. You should keep your mind open rather than completely basing your ideas around this.
You may want to gather some research and resources about your identity, as your family might be able to understand it better and come up with questions that aren't completely clueless. Additionally, there are plenty of good resources out there for parents who have LGBTQ+ children, so having a few of those on hand to give them might be helpful when you come out. It might seem a bit weird to have to say something along the lines of, "Hi, Mom, I'm gay. Please read these pamphlets," but these kinds of materials are factual and may help your parents understand your identity better, particularly if you get flustered easily when discussing it.
You should also try to be understanding with your family members after you come out. Sometimes, they may react negatively, but then come to terms with your identity and be accepting later. You should give them time to get used to your identity. Keep in mind that it probably took you a while to get used to who you are, and they deserve that same time. It's likely that your identity is a total shock to them, so they'll need time. The best thing you can do is give it to them.
That being said, sometimes parents react very negatively, and you won't be able to give them time. Sometimes, parents will ignore their LGBTQ+ children, or even kick them out of the house. Of course, you shouldn't let the chance of this happening discourage you or think too negatively about what will happen, but you should have a backup plan just in case something like this happens. If your parents begin to ignore you or your identity, it can be difficult for you to deal with mentally, so talk to a friend, teacher, or guidance counselor about your issues at home. They may not be able to make it perfect, but it's nice to have someone you can talk to. If your parents kick you out, you'll need somewhere to live. Maybe a close friend has a spare bedroom that you can live in until you're in a better position, but make sure that you've discussed this with both them and their parents beforehand. Make sure the person you plan on living with in case of emergency knows that you're being serious. Sometimes people jokingly say that you could always come live with them without realizing that it's a real possibility, so you need to make sure that they will actually be able to accommodate another person living in their house.
You should also plan a time to come out. You shouldn't do it in an already stressful situation, as that practically sets it up to go poorly. Your parents probably don't want to have to try to respond to you being LGBTQ+ while they're trying to cook a massive Thanksgiving dinner, right before you leave for a vacation, or as soon as they come home from work, and you should be understanding of this. Pick a time where your family is relaxed and has a lot of time to discuss your identity.
It might also be helpful to practice what you're going to say when you come out. You should probably avoid doing this at home because your family could hear (which defeats the point of coming out), but if no one's home, then there's definitely nothing wrong with practicing what you're going to say in the bathroom mirror. While you practice, try to think of questions or comments your family might make, and think of how to respond to them. These questions really depend on what your family is like, so there's no set list dictating exactly what they'll say and ask.
After you've developed a plan, all you have to do is act on it. Of course, it isn't going to be that easy. You might get nervous, or back out of it right before coming out, but that's okay. You should come out when you're comfortable, and when you're ready. Don't force yourself to come out, especially to family, until it's your time.
Comments
Post a Comment